TRANSPARENCY: How I really feel at the moment...

I started off trying to sum up this entire blog post in a facebook status (as long as they are sometimes, hahaha!), but I know it would have been just TOO long, so I opted to vent right here on my blog. After logging on fb, I saw something that reminded me yet again of feelings that I've been holding in for far too long, and I started to cry. The hurt surfaced all over again and I felt led to share some transparent thoughts in hopes that it will help at least one other person who has experienced/are experiencing this. Its a long post, but please read it in its entirety & feel free to share if led to do so :-) (Forgive all the typos, lol!).

One of the things that has hurt me the most was  not receiving the support I thought I would by those I loved, and claimed to love me, the most. Sure, people can tell you that they're proud of you, *high five you*, & smile at you- which is great, but when God eventually reveals their real motives for saying/doing what they did, then it makes you ask yourself, "Dang, how did I miss that?". It could be something as simple as, "Let me say/do this or that to her so she can't ever say I didn't "support" her"....but even with that, that person may have not really meant it because our "ACTIONS" speak sooooo much louder than words. I sometimes sit back & look at the ones who are closest to me supporting others that do the same, or close to the same thing that I do, yet when I share/offer my services for the world to be blessed with, I'm overlooked. Keep in mind that the ones who do this are either "hometown" peeps, friends, church members, classmates/associates, and yes, even FAMILY.

For example, when I opened up both of my businesses (I sold basically the same products within both, just under different business names at different times), I was sooooo excited & felt that I had finally "arrived" in a place of sheer joy! For one, I was happy that I stepped out on faith and released myself from my fears, something that I have allowed to paralyze me with for years! Two, I was proud that I accomplished something like this to make a better living for myself and my family, and three, I was also proud that I did not succumb to the mentality that many of my hometown members allowed to infest their minds. What I mean by that is I was PROUD to do something that many of the people within the city I grew up in was too afraid to do or would never do. I'm not saying I am/was "better than them" (at which I am NOT), but I know that I'm different & was destined for greater, therefore I could not & would not be satisfied with mediocrity. Even with that, you'd think that your hometown, family, & friends would cheer you on & support you in every way possible right??...Hmph, WRONG! I've receive more support from people I did not know than I did from the people that said they had my back. We say, "Let me know if you need something"...blah blah blah, but when it boils down to it (if I can be honest about it), we ONLY support those we want to & those that support us...from the saints to the ain'ts. I've done it before, so I know how it goes. But I had to ask for forgiveness because it was wrong & surely not of God. That was only one situation.

Another example would be from one of the people that I thought I'd be with forever...Hahahaha....yeah right. This dude really helped shape my mentality (business wise, spiritually, mentally, etc.) into part of what it is now. Long story short, I've was ride or die for him from the beginning, and so was he to a certain extent, but after we stopped conversing & drifted apart, he never supported my ventures. Not by word of mouth (from what I understand & know), not financially---nothing. I think he may have said something along the lines of, "Nina, you are doin' it up ain't ya'?".....but that was it. (Lord forgive me if he has done more yet I'm not recalling it, lol.). Was he a bad person?- NO, not at all. But he hurt me in a way that he will probably  never understand because I "thought" he would have been THAT GUY that would have stuck beside me through hell and back as I would & did him. But that was a no go. I've forgiven him, but sometimes I become hurt by the though. That was another situation.

One more example would be family & friends not supporting me. Now, I will say that it has not been ALL of my family & friends, but it has been the majority. I can remember posting & sharing statuses, pictures, links, etc. on facebook, asking if people would like my business/encouragement pages, asking if they would support me and share the info, etc.....but the majority NEVER did & have yet to either. I used to be hurt so bad behind that because you could not pay me NOT to support the ones I see that are trying to progress and better themselves. I may not be financially able to support you monetarily, but you darn sure can bet on me passing your info along to get the word out. Has it been done for me? Ummm, maybe 30%, but it hasn't even been half the time and I was so disappointed behind that. You say you don't have the money or the time, but then I see you post pics of new shoes/clothes you just bought or even products you've bought from other stores that sell the same things I make by hand! I've even had those that would join other business pages but have yet to join mine and I KNOW they know about it & know how to do it...but choose otherwise because I see it. Keep in mind I'm not talking about random fb friends, I'm talking about REAL, TRUE, LIVING "friends & fam".  I've even had family members to KNOW what I was trying to do with my life, even with me pursuing my Doctoral degree, but have YET to even here an I'M SO PROUD OF YOU BOO! Does anyone "HAVE" to do anything for me? HECK NO because you aren't obligated to. No one owes me anything, but I would just think that you would always want to support your own that are trying to come up in life. Smh....That was yet another situation & I could give you so many more, but I'll stop here for times sake.

For the life of me I couldn't understand why people would do the things they did when I know that if it were them who started a business, offered a service, needed help, asked for assistance, etc. I would be one of the first to run to their rescue. But I had to remind myself of something that I tell others: JUST BECAUSE I WOULD DO IT DOESN'T MEAN OTHERS HAVE TO DO IT THE SAME WAY. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT & DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY! And that still stands today. One thing I do understand is that "support" comes in many different shapes, forms, & sizes, but I also know that it goes deeper than what many people think they giving. Its the spiritual connection that has been made. If you've supported people in the past & feel, "Well, that's it...or that's enough", well you're wrong. Support is an ongoing process, especially amongst those that say they love & care for one another (which should be all of us as sisters & brothers in CHRIST!). So even as I sit here just thinking about the things I've endured, the things I've seen both naturally & spiritually that many people think I have not, and sense the true spirits of those I interact with through discernment via the Holy Spirit, I just smile & count it all joy even through the pain! There is a reason for everything that has happened in my life & there is surely a reason why I'm often times not supported by the ones that claim to love me the most.Though a tear or two came out of my eyes, God had to confirm and re-assure me that HE and only HE was all I needed. "But Lord, why do people say they love you yet don't support your efforts when you're trying to make a difference?" is what I've asked him time after time, and his answer was simple: "Its because they've (you've) done me the same way!". I had to immediately repent because what I want & desire from other people is the same exact thing God wants & desires of me.

I'll be honest, I used to hurt so bad behind that, that I distanced myself away from alot of people and things because I felt they were very shady. So much so, that I wouldn't support others who ventured off to do great things simply because they didn't do the same for me......and that is/was not right at all! Notice that I said I "used" to because God had to mature me, but he also gave me common sense enough to know that you can't continue giving yourself away to those who don't honor, respect, & cherish your services. Dude, I used to physically & verbally support those who I know didn't really care anything for me, not because I was trying to prove a point or was "weak", but because I sincerely wanted to speak LIFE into them & tell them how proud I was of them because I KNOW it is not easy. MAJOR FAIL, lol. I had this one young lady from my hometown open a business at which I've tried to support at least twice but she never gave me any energy :-/. I didn't really understand it because I was like, "have I done something to her?" but my answer to myself was NO. I still don't know what it is, but I continue to pray for her & wish her well.

If I'm ever feeling a certain way about people, I always, always, always go to God first & ask him to show me myself in the situation. Lord, is it me? Am I the one who is being extra? Am I the one who is really the funny acting one? Did I do something to them that I'm trying to cover up & point the finger because its easier? These are all questions that I ask myself & God before making assumptions. Sometimes he does she me who I REALLY am and where I went wrong, and other times he tells me that "The spirit doesn't lie". Even when he tells me that, I still try to shake it off because I just can't believe he, she, or they would do that to me, be that way towards me, or even attempt to break me like that. Have I been the most faithful, trustworthy, or loyal friend/family member???....HECK NO! I'm human and I too make mistakes. As much as I would love to say..."Nope, I'm PERFECT" I know I'd be lying straight through my teeth, lol! But one thing I pride myself on is my ability to ADMIT when I'm wrong. Though I sometimes want to just let things be, my conscious will never allow me to live life freely if I know I did something wrong to someone and never admitted, nor apologized if it came down to it.

So as I end this post/venting session, I can honestly say that I feel so much better. I just ask the Lord to forgive ME if I've ever treated, done, or made someone feel as if they weren't supported and loved because that is not me and those are truly never my intentions. Like I've stated, I am by far NOT perfect nor have I been the best friend, etc., but I'm willing to admit what I've done. Sometimes you don't know you've done or hurt anyone if they never come and tell you, and I've had that happen on both ends personally. But through it all, I bless God for opening my eyes to see some things that I need to change about me and some things/people I need to remove myself away from. It hurts when you don't feel or believe people are truly in your corner, and some people wonder why I distance myself from them. Its not because I'm mean, fake, evil, shady, etc., its simply because I'm trying to PROTECT what I have. Even in the process of doing that, I've been misunderstood to the point some people have not wanted to deal with me because of my actions, but I want them to know that its only because I've been hurt too many times and/or its something I can't quite put my finger on about them just yet. I'm still a work in progress concerning that.

I do want to leave by saying THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO VERY MUCH TO THOSE THAT HAVE SUPPORTED, WILL SUPPORT, AND CONTINUE SUPPORTING ME! Whether its monetarily, a sincere & genuine, "I'm proud of you, keep up the good work", sharing what the Lord has blessed me to do with others, or just a prayer.....YOU ROCK! I always try to make sure those that have taken the time out to build me up are repaid back in full, even if its through words. So once again, I appreciate your support and am GRATEFUL to God for the opportunity to continue serving you! You will never, ever, know how much that means to me!

I pray this post has helped at least ONE person. Ladies & gentlemen, please support our fellow brothers and sisters. Its very hard to do what we do in any and every capacity. If you are harboring hate &  jealousy in your heart, I ask that you release it in the name of Jesus because its stopping you from receiving your blessings. If you don't feel supported/loved, please know that you do. Just because you don't receive the support you thought you would have doesn't mean your products/services aren't worth putting out there. If anything, it means you're on the right track & need to push harder than ever before to show all the ones who ever doubted you that you WILL MAKE IT! Continue being the BEST you that you can be & in due time, GOD and only GOD will reward you with what it is you need! BE ENCOURAGED & don't forget to do unto others as you would have them do unto you! SUPPORT, SUPPORT, SUPPORT! And through it all......I continue to move FORWARD. ~Nina